Rolling My Eyes

...Why I needed to know one thing about the Pythagorean Theorem. I am not a roofer or Egyptian... ...Why Bill Clinton is the one who leaked the Monica Lewinsky matter... ...Any goddamn sentence that sounded decent with the word jettisoned... ...hi...

Maybe I am not normal. I like doing dishes. I always make sure I have a lot. I use extra dishes on purpose. And the fact I have issues with using the same glass for more than one drink twice, abets this. Sometimes I will wait two days to do them if there is not enough. I have little systems I go by while I am doing them. I sort as I go. It is more fun to see if you have forgotten silverware at the end from mis-sorts. Bonus points for me if I have not. The basics: plates, cups, bowls all have their set place in the drain tray. That's when the real fun begins. I look at the dish tray very carefully. I look over the big bowls, pot, pans, trays on the counter. I look back to see if the bowls and plates have taken up all their places in the little plastic rungs. I am a mildly lazy person and a lot of the time, hope they have not been. Sometimes though, I am excited by the sight of every rung taken up. It is more of a challenge to be able to get every single cleaned d...

I used to kill animals. Ants, to be exact. I was on the verge of four in front of the white house on the corner in Leamington, where we lived. I can remember my red polka dot summer dress. My mother was sweeping the sidewalk after mowing the lawn. I was marching along behind her on the already swept parts. I can still see my white-sandeled foot coming down and flattening the fattest black ant I could find every few seconds. I remember my mother looking at me with horror. Mock; I now know. "How would you feel if I giant ant squished you?" I had peered up at her through my brown bangs for a second, shrugged my shoulders and killed four more ants before the novelty wore off. But the last two were far less fatter then the rest had been. That night I had horrible nightmares of giant black cartoon ants wearing red polka dot bandanas, chasing me. I have never killed any form of life since, except for my first spider last week. It was a personal triumph-I have always wa...

1953 It had been the hottest nine days I had ever known. People were hardly coming out anymore. The last few had been 'only if you have to go out' days. There was a scent in the air that said thank god it's 3 o'clock Sunday afternoon. Church and lunch obligations were done with. The streets were next to bare downtown. The air was so dry and without wind; I felt like John Wayne in a ghost town. I was taking the bus across town to visit my cousin Mick. My mother had sent along some of her homemade marmalade for me to give to Aunt Fiona. I hate the stuff. Just looking at it made my nose prickle. I was waiting at the bus stop, kicking lazily at loose stones, wishing it was not so hot or I would have rode my bike. I could not wait to get out to the stream with Mick. Being in the water fishing for our trophy trout would make things seem cooler. Mick and I used to be the best of friends until his parents moved across town 2 years a go. Thick as thieves. Comrades. S...

I am patiently waiting for Everyday .

Every now and then, you need a little reminder. Lately, I have been getting more than my fair share of them. I believe it is because I am just more aware of things(it all goes back to appreciation). I hope you get reminders often, too. If you do not, I hope you come back to read mine sometimes because they make you feel good. All I Need is a Little Quiet My kid is playing in his room. He is always noticeable when he is. Loud is better. Even I know this. It is how I like my music. It is about 20 minutes before you decide to cook supper in the late afternoon. I am doing the cleaning that one can leave for up to two weeks at a time. I am always surprised how much ends up under my couch after this time. But it is fun finding all the stuff I forgotten about but once thought I had lost for good. I had just found the ugly red pen I hate under one of them when I noticed that not-so-deadly quiet. It is the quiet that makes you go in and check on your child, only to find th...

***Thank you Moon. 101 Tidbits About Me 1. My name is not Queenie. 2. My middle name is Marie. 3. I grew-up in a small town. 4. I don't live there, anymore. 5. I love coffee. 6. I have brown eyes. 7. I have two kids. 8. I am the best euchre player I know. 9. I do not like pizza. 10. McCain pizza between two slices of bread with mayo is acceptable. 11. I like the fact I have a vulgar mouth. 12. I wear Navy Perfume. 13. I love Mini-Eggs. 14. I have different change containers all over my house. They do not make me rich. 15. I would marry Jay Leno. 16. Mrs. Houting was my favorite teacher. 17. People like my laugh. 18. I can be an expert bitch. 19. I make people feel comfortable in my home by putting my feet up on my coffee table. 20. I love the rain. 21. I have as much fun with bubble gum as I can to see how long it takes before people are annoyed with me. 22. I like watching ants. 23. Or looking at the clouds. 24. Matchbox 20 makes me feel fantastic. 25. So do Flakies. 26. I scored...

April 15th Was a Thursday ...The phone rings... I know it is my friend, Jean, before I pick up. She has radar. We have days where neither one of us wants to shut-up. We are both conversatation hogs who can pause long enough to appreciate what the other has to say for awhile. But that is only a 3 minute window at a time. I curl up on my loveseat for a chat and wait for the phone to fall off my CD stand because I have stretched the cord too far. It is a silly, little victory if I can make it through a whole conversation without it happening. Today we rush the conversation along. She has to leave for work. I have a day that is not like my other days. I do indeed have somewhere to be today. At least it is not where I have to be on every other Thursday. I have to go to the bank. But not the one that is only around the corner and up the street. No. I was there last night. It seems since I have lost the third bank card in three months, I have to take a trip to my home bra...

I am not required to be anywhere in the world from now till Monday at one p.m. I should spend a lot of time doing what I love to do this weekend, for once. The thing I am enjoying most in moment is this. Blogging. I have an addictive personality. You should have seen me in the hey days when I first discovered Yahoo Euchre. Being the wonderfully kind person I am, I thought I would warn you...I might publish post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, after post, a...

Mark is the only person I know who knows more about computers than me. But he knows way more than I do. He does things for sites on the internet. He types..a lot. The words form pretty pictures and..stuff. Lots of...stuff(Web Developer-I am pretending to be stupid). When all else fails, I hope he knows what to do. I am sure he finds it annoying I always have issues(and yes, most that shouldn't be). The following IM was sent: okay this is what I want..I want you to come over and figure out the issues with my digital camera--I do not care if you know nothing about them--you are a computer guy and I have every faith you can fix it. What I will give you for doing this is a whole lot of fuck-all with a side order of Tim Horton's. And I will probably talk your ear off. Please allow me the respect to not have to squirt out a few tears to dry with my handgloves before you come to rescue my ass. Buddy, old pal, you rock. Q I hope it works.

The Bathrobe I open my eyes to a loud banging of toys. My mind races hoping that second in time was not long enough for me not to get back to sleep. My eyes slam shut, only to re-open. I groan. I roll over and try again. I open one eye to look at my alarm clock. Why do I even care what time it is? 7:12 a.m. Fine. "Good Morning," I grumble loudly. I hear happy laughter and "Good Morning, Mom", muffled from behind two closed bedroom doors. I do not even act like I am happy for the first ten minutes I am awake. I can't put forth the effort required. I need those minutes to learn to be nice for the next hour. My morning ugh's last that long. I feel myself brighten as I reach for my new bathrobe. It is second-hand from a friend. It too, feels warm and comfortable. It is hot pink. I could hardly resist the colour! It is strange to start feeling so good so quick. My mind takes note of that. I will remember to hang this up every night on the ho...

1. He has bad breath. 2. His hair is uncombed. 3. He is married. 4. He is unemployed. 5. He chews with his mouth open. 6. He talks about his "friend" Molly way too much. 7. He shoves his tongue all the way down your throat on the first date. 8. He slobbers, too. 9. His Mother drives you on all your dates. 10. He USED to go to AA. 11. Your first date is to his church. 12. He is scared of commitment. 13. He is scared of spiders. 14. He is scared of kittens. 15. He loses his wallet a lot. 16. His idea of dinner and a movie is popcorn and a porn. 17. He does not share the popcorn. 18. He spends his Friday nights at Bingo with Mom and Dad. 19. His idea of daring is you getting to be on top. 20. You saw him picking his nose and wiping it on his couch when you were coming out of his bathroom. 21. Where there really was napkins for toilet paper. 22. And you think you might have seen a not-so-hidden camera. 23. You have to be home everynight at 11 for the next three hours of Sports Ne...

1. The middle of the night. 2. Reading (even the shampoo bottle). 3. Writing (gosh, I hope that is what it is I do..). 4. Conversation. 5. Tim Horton's Coffee 6. Coffee 7. Rain 8. Loud Music (Help me! I am on a Bubble Gum 80's pop kick!) 9. Mini-Eggs (I miss you so..come back, Easter) 10. Laying in bed for an hour after I wake-up. Well that was not much fun as I expected. I was hoping for a suprise. I guess sometime I will have to do a Top 50, instead.

Teenagers. And cool. To be it. What if you are fine-line? Not cool. Not un-cool. An unknown. Maybe a Sometimes. How do you get from sometimes to all the time? Use a little genius. There is a teenager in my neighborhood. He has one of those new types of bikes. The eclectic look of modern and old that seems prevalent in most things these days. It allowed for him to construct a wooden boombox hitched well into the molds of the metal of this low-riding bike. He has added a reflector to a lighted speaker. It is loud. He is 16. I think he is cool, but I do not count. I am an adult. On Friday, I saw him riding it to school. He is an Unknown. How long must he ride it to school to become totally cool or total freaky geek? I will tell you. One week. He must park his bike nowhere near the utmost coolest kids in school. He must pick the middle class on the verge. Enough cool kids like them. They will show interest in it. The next day there will be two cool kids. The ne...

What is your "Make Me Feel Sexy" song? Why are you still reading this? Go listen to it.

They say(whoever they are)people do not stop to smell the roses enough anymore. Everyone is too busy to. There is so much to cram in one day, they cannot find the time to. That is a load of crap. I am a busy girl these days and I am appreciating everything. It takes no time to take the time to think of the things you appreciate. You can think of these things while you are doing the dishes, driving to work, during commercials. Think about all the wonderful things in your life. Your family. Your strengths. The garden you just planted that looks lovely. How good it feels to hear your favorite song. Children on a swing. Coffee...... Appreciate the world. Do it all in your mind. Do it often. And pretty soon you will find it is spilling over and getting into your everyday life. You will start to appreciate out loud to people you love and care about. Your everyday relationships will strengthen. I learned this lesson tonight, but I have been living this way for a few months...

I know you are reading my stuff...So why exactly is it, you haven't gotten a hold of me?

I have unexpected roommates until Friday. I am a good enough person to help someone. I am also a good enough person to know how long I can force my good temper. I am glad that when I say 'Shut-up now', this person feels comfortable enough in my home to find something else to occupy herself with. She can buy a few extra days for that. Plus, she makes coffee. She is also my employee. My daily Baby-sitter. My almost ex-sister-in-law. And my friend. ( I know! Creepy! ) So, it is during this time she is shutting-up, I am struck with a very profound thought indeed. 'I am going to write that down; I need to read that sometimes', I say to myself. I get my pen and journal out of the book bag I have to look for. I plop on the loveseat and look over. Cindy is writing. She has a lovely blue pen. It is her pen from her house. It is in my house and I have never used it before. It seems somehow wrong. I look at the pen I have grabbed out of the bottom of the bag. This pen is u...

I lose things. Everyday ordinary things. Who has not lost the keys on occasion for 15 minutes? Or found you just cannot seem to remember where you put your housecoat-in the laundry or back on the bathroom hook again? We are all prone to little bouts of forgetfulness. But I often also find myself wondering about the where-abouts of things like my bankcard. It is my source of money, but it could be on my bedside table, my computer desk, or in the basket on the microwave. Worst case scenario-it is in my new found, sure fire place where I will remember to keep things--and even though I cannot remember WHERE that is now--I will. It is new. Unless, by some off chance I put it in my wallet. I hope not. I will not find it there for days. I also find myself doing this often with my watch. That is not the worst of it. I also lose things like my brush. My hair is always in need of a good brushing. It is thin and fly-away. I know I should know where my brush is. But I have alread...

As human beings, top of the food chain with more evolved brain patterns than the average animal, we have a need for attention. Thus we sort through others of our species and find those who will give us their best efforts. They have been searching for the same thing. We make friends. Whatever my life history is, I have developed into someone who is very aware of people and their actions. I have a suspicious nature and can spot a con at a fair distance. But there are some of you out there who do not have this sixth sense. You have no way of protecting yourself from the pilfering nature of some of the people who inhabit our earth. I took it upon myself to find a way to help you all. After careful deliberation and ideas that included criminal background checks and personal references, I came up with the simplest of solutions. A sure-fire way to weed out the pariah in your world. When you are expecting company of any sort, or not at all, place a small amount of money somewhere ou...

I have a used bird. He was my friend, Brenda's, bird. Briefly. It was a used bird for her, too. Chicky is a budgie. He is dainty and a very pretty white, which makes the fact he likes to throw seed 50 feet a little less stressing. I have a hardwood floor (I live here because of them based on the fact I have this used, never, ever quiet bird). Hardwood floors must be swept. So must birdseed. My broom is blue. A daily, counted-on routine in my household, is the floor gets swept. Only the time of day might get changed. It gets old quick when everytime you approach the bird cage to sweep, the volume of the chirps increases ten-fold and you have to endure watching some moron bird bang it's self repeatedly in to the wrungs of the cage. It is one of those everyday, mild annoyances that makes you want to drink coffee. But today I found myself looking at Chicky with a brand-new thoughtfulness, all the while holding the broom(he really cannot get anymore retarded anyway). The fact re...

1. Bought everyone in the pub a drink? 2. Swam with wild dolphins? 3. Climbed a mountain? 4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive? 5. Been inside the Great Pyramid? 6. Held a tarantula? 7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone? 8. Said "I love you" and meant it? 81/2. Said I love you and watched the blank stare? 9. Hugged a tree? 10. Done a striptease? 11. Bungee jumped? 12. Visited Paris? Ontario 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea? 14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise? 15. Seen the Northern Lights? 16. Gone to a huge sports game? 17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa? 18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables? 19. Touched an iceberg? 20. Slept under the stars? 21. Changed a baby's diaper? 22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon? 23. Watched a meteor shower? 24. Gotten drunk on champagne? 25. Given more than you can afford to charity? 26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope? 27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst po...